The Lord is good and merciful;
our God is so kind.
The Lord takes care of helpless people.
I was without help, and he saved me
(Ps. 116:5-6 ERV).
I was born in Thailand and Buddhism was the only way of life I knew. I was content with the principle that life is suffering, and we are in this cycle because of our actions, reaping rewards for doing good or punishments for doing bad. There is no god in Buddhism, so I was responsible for my own destiny to reach Nirvana, a life’s goal out of this suffering. It sounded logical until, in my late 30s, facing a challenging life and feeling helpless, I started wondering about ‘Who?’ Who is keeping my karma’s account? How many more good deeds (and the most rewarded ones) must I do to stay safe? Am I missing something? How beautiful are the feet of God’s people who went to Thailand and told me of this ‘unconditional love’ which saved me from my misery!
Dead from the inside
I was a lecturer at a university in Thailand. I met my New Zealander husband while studying for my PhD at Cardiff University. We married, worked and raised our two daughters in Thailand. We both had reputable careers with cutting-edge research internationally while actively participating in homeschooling for our children and travelling abroad. People called me a workaholic, implying a prolific and successful life, but the price tag was too high. Constant pressure made me easily frustrated and harsh. Alone at night, I often felt overwhelmed with a flood of emotions, anger, self-pity, self-hate and horrible thoughts.
The vicious cycle kept repeating itself as if that dark force knew my weakness and flipped the switch to have its way with me. It was a never-ending battle and I was angry with something that I did not know, nor did I know how to fight it. I turned my anger against others and helplessly headed toward a ‘denial’ mode. I carried on with life, being dead from the inside, but satisfied myself with excuses and avoided looking at the part I did not want to see. I only managed to deceive myself and dug for myself a deeper hole, too deep to come out of.
Meeting Jesus
I met Jesus in church but I did not go there expecting to meet God; I planned to meet Buddha. During one of those tormenting periods, my husband, Jeff, found the Lord and he took the girls to church on Sunday. I was not interested in ‘foreign religion’ but being efficient with time I thought that I could go along but meditate to Buddha…in the church! On one occasion, while at the church meditating, I somehow overheard a message.
‘How does Pastor Tim know about me?’ ‘Was he talking about me?’ I wondered. Later I began to listen more, meditate less and, I don’t know when, stop meditating.
As I began to take the message in slowly, by God’s grace, the Lord sent a crisis to my workplace which I believe helped speed up my understanding. Feeling trapped, betrayed and lost, God’s hand led me to ask the church to pray: first for peace in my heart and second for conflict resolution. That was the first time I experienced what ‘an answered prayer’ should look like. Somehow, there were people or situations leading me to be at peace or to just hang in there. The conflict was resolved unexpectedly fast, and I could not deny the existence of a powerful hand upon the situation. That event, to me, was like God parting the Red Sea (Ex. 14). I saw the miracle, admitting that God had made the impossible happen, but did not know how to come to him. I was still trapped. We had two Red Sea crossing experiences during that period. One miracle could be ‘luck’, but two were hard to ignore.
‘If this is the truth, then my 40-year belief is a lie. But what if this is also a lie?’ Those were months of a heavy heart, confusing and wrestling thoughts. Finally, God sent a messenger, a God-knowing lady, to tell me the gospel of Jesus’ death and resurrection – his blood on the cross exchanged for my sin, a gift to all, a new life in him. Like a weight lifted off my shoulders, free-flowing tears came out of my eyes. I received Jesus, a love message from my heavenly Father that I am his beloved child!
Love
The only thing I can sum up about the experience is that God’s love touched my heart and things changed forever from then on. God set me free from the trap of guilt and darkness; he took away my stony heart and gave me a heart of flesh. It is a miracle that I can love people from my heart for ‘who’ they are, not ‘what’ they do. I can love because he first loved me!
One thing that was rather obvious after my conversion was that I stopped being able to say hurtful things and feel fine about it. Instead, I would have this warning sign, a pain in my heart that only God could heal. It was evidence that I was alive and that the Holy Spirit was living inside of me. My early Christian life involved many bathroom visits, an escape for time alone with God. I know from experience that my wrongdoing hurt me the most as I walked away from his protection. Returning to God does not only heal the wounded heart but also keeps me in his love and peace. I learned to apologise much sooner, which saved me from unnecessary bathroom visits.
God’s love sustains me
The Lord Jesus has opened the way for me to come to my heavenly Father, through the Holy Spirit inside me. He has guided me, warned me and given me the power to overcome the temptation of darkness each day as I rely on him for help. Coming to God through all situations helps me to know the Father’s heart for me. One of the most challenging periods was when, back in Cardiff, I had to face breast cancer during the Covid pandemic. It was a hard and sad time for many, and extra isolation time for me, twice for a double mastectomy. The door inside my heart, however, never closed. It was so open that I could touch his peace, assuring me of the purpose as I followed him through. In short, the Lord has led me out of the cage of fear I created and was kept inside for years. His perfect love cast out fear and I am healed physically and emotionally. Praise the Lord!
Despite my wrongdoing, weakness or stubbornness, God’s love never fails to lead me back to him. With peace and a joyful heart, things look more beautiful that way. The change is from the inside; it is beyond me. This is evidence that our God is a living God and his love endures forever.
But, because of God’s grace, that is what I am… (1 Cor. 15:10).
