Singleness is lonely misery. Almost everything you watch or read is telling you this. Take Married at First Sight as an example. On this show, people are coupled up by the producers. They meet for the first time on their wedding day and then live as husband and wife while they get to know each other. When one woman was asked why she’d joined this experiment, she replied, ‘I just want to be happy.’ No one questioned her assumption that being happy meant having a partner.
Here’s another example from Spiderman: Far From Home. Peter Parker (aka Spiderman) and his classmates are on a school trip to Europe. Peter’s friend Ned gets on the plane talking about how he wants to meet a bunch of girls and then gets off the plane nine hours later with a girlfriend, one of the girls from their school. Peter asks Ned, ‘Whatever happened to being an American bachelor in Europe?’ Ned, with all the inner calm and gravitas of a spiritual guru, says, ‘Peter, those were the words of a boy. And that boy met a woman, a very strong and powerful woman. And now, that boy is a man.’
The implications are clear. A single person is lonely, unhappy and immature. Once you have a partner you are happy, fulfilled and a real adult.
We don’t just hear this in culture. We say it in church.
We don’t want to idolise sex in the way our culture does, so instead we idolise marriage and think we’re somehow doing better. The fallout of this, in so many areas and so many personal lives, is disastrous. We urgently need to rethink.
All of this is why we, at Living Out, have produced Kaleidoscope, a video-based series that aims to start conversations about sexuality, gender and faith. It’s designed for youth groups, but the core messages are things we all need to hear. In Episode 3, we explore the theme of singleness and begin the rethinking process.
What does the Bible say about singleness?
In Matthew 19, the Pharisees are trying to catch Jesus out by asking him about one of the most hotly debated topics of the day – divorce. Jesus uses this opportunity to define marriage as the lifelong, one-flesh union of one man and one woman. There’s a lot more that could be said here, but to stay on topic I want to focus on how the disciples respond to this.
They hear Jesus say that God’s design for marriage means marriages should be for life and they think he’s gone a bit too far. They think he needs to tone it down a bit. So they say, ‘If this is the situation between a husband and a wife, it is better not to marry’ (Matt. 19:10).
I think they expect Jesus to reply, ‘Oh yeah, you’re right. I’d better change that a bit.’ Instead, Jesus basically says, ‘Yes, that’s absolutely right. It is better not to marry.’
He describes three different kinds of single, celibate people (or ‘eunuch’ – literally men who were unable to father children) and then says, ‘The one who can accept this [singleness] should accept it’ (Matt. 19:12).
Singleness is a gift
Jesus says it’s good to remain single. That would have been as much of a shock to those who first heard him as it is to us today.
Paul uses gift language when he talks about singleness in 1 Corinthians 7:
I wish that all of you were as I am [single]. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that (1 Cor. 7:7).
Marriage is a gift. We get that. Singleness is a gift, too, and not a lesser one, not second place. Paul says he wishes that everyone were single. Jesus says that anyone who can accept what he says about being single should accept it. Singleness is a gift, just as good as, or dare I say, even better than, the gift of marriage.
We often misunderstand what this means. We think that the gift of singleness is like a superpower. As much as I’d love to believe that as a single person, I’m a superhero, that’s not actually what Jesus or Paul are saying! The gift isn’t a superpower that enables you to endure the awful situation of singleness. The gift is the fact, the state, of being single. Those who are single are experiencing the gift of singleness, just as those who are married are experiencing the gift of marriage.
What about intimacy?
Perhaps we think that singleness is not a gift because, in our culture, we believe that true intimacy must be sexual; that to experience or express intimacy with someone, you have to have sex with them. We know we all need intimacy, and so if intimacy equals sex, we have to be in a sexual relationship to experience intimacy. If that’s all true, how can singleness be good?
Obviously, sex is intimate but it isn’t the only way that human beings can experience intimacy. The way the Bible talks, sex and marriage aren’t even the primary ways that people experience intimacy. Intimacy first and foremost is to be found with God himself but intimacy is found in non-sexual human relationships too.
Friendship is given such a high place in Scripture. Jesus says the greatest love can be seen between friends (John 15:13). Friendship is one of God’s greatest blessings to us, and one of the things that makes singleness plausible. The example of Jesus shows us that. I’ve experienced it in my own life. I’m single in my early 30s, but my life is not one of loneliness and lovelessness. I am deeply loved. I experience intimacy in many committed, loving friendships.
Church community is also meant to be a place where we find intimacy. Church is not a club you attend but a family you do life with. Intimacy is available to every single one of us.
What next?
We won’t live up to this biblical view of relationships without careful thought and intentional choices. You could use our new resource Kaleidoscope as a part of that intentionality. It’s great for youth groups, but it’ll help you too as you think and pray through how you can be a part of building a more relationally intimate church.
To find out more, go to www.livingout.org/courses/kaleidoscope
Living Out is a Christian charity that aims to encourage Christians, equip churches, and engage the world with God’s plan for sexuality and identity. Living Out is committed to helping churches support same-sex attracted Christians and teach wisely and compassionately on sexuality.
